I was honored to be one of the 16 women chosen to speak this past Tuesday night at the LTYM Northern Utah Conference.
Above is a picture from a few years back. Here my Ex Husband, his wife and I went to the Zoo and out to lunch with our 3 children.
Here it is....My ALternative Lifestyle
Karlisue
VerHoef
My
Alternative Lifestyle
My Mom
taught me that love is a powerful tool.
She taught me that love heals wounds, mends hearts, comforts and brings
peace. And, that a Mother’s love can change the world. As I was growing up, I watched my Mom. I saw
her work through tough situations. She always rose above and loved more than
anything else.
When I had
my first child I remember the overwhelming sense of love that overtook me when
they placed him in my arms. It was a
feeling I wasn’t prepared for. This
little boy was mine. I was his Mother
and I felt it. There was no doubt in my heart that I would give my life for
this little one. For the first time ever
I knew what it meant to feel a Mother’s love.
The Mother’s
love I felt only grew with each new child that joined our family. A Mother’s love is fierce and
unwavering. It truly knows no
bounds. As I looked at my 3 young
children I knew no one could ever love them as much as I did.
Shortly
after my 3rd son was born I found myself a single parent. My husband of then 7
yrs and I had divorced and I was now alone with 3 very young children.
My life had
been turned upside down but, the lessons of love that my mother taught me came
to my rescue. The love I had for my
children gave me strength to conquer the many new tasks I had at hand, it made
those lonely nights not so tough, it made all the hardships worth it because I
loved them.
Weeks passed
and my ex-husband called. We talked
briefly on the phone. Then he hesitantly
brought up a subject he knew would be tough for me to hear. He had a girlfriend and they would probably
get married. He would like to introduce the kids to their future Step Mom. With
a lump in my throat I invited them over to decorate cupcakes the following
Sunday. I hung up the phone and dropped
to the floor with my eyes full of tears.
My heart and head filled with emotions I could not control.
Sunday came
to quickly. I was getting ready for them
to come over, going through outfit after outfit trying to find one that was
just right. I was so nervous it was
ridiculous. More worried about what I looked like for our children’s soon to be
“other mom” than anything else. I made cupcakes and bought icing because I knew
I would mess it all up if I tried to make it myself. The evening was uneventful. The conversation
had a lot to do with cupcakes. A good buffer to steer clear of what was really
on our minds. As we frosted I couldn’t help but think: Are my kids going to
call her Mom?, will she be good to them?, how is this all going to work?
I had
already received advice from acquaintances about the “Step Mom”. “Stand your
ground, let her know you are the Mom and she is not, make sure the kids don’t
call her mom because she is not their Mom, you are.” Our first meeting was filled with lots of
fake small talk and lots of racing thoughts.
And then
they left, my ex-husband with his new girlfriend, and I all could think was,
“if that girl had moved in next door, we would have been best friends”. She
seemed fantastic! But, how could I love
her? How could I share my kids with
another woman? I was their Mom and no
one feels what I feel for them.
Time passed
and our meetings became less awkward and more genuine. I allowed myself to get to know and truly
listen to this woman who was now my childrens Step Mom. Late one night I found myself really thinking
about how much I loved my kids. I
thought about how often I think about and say I would die for them. The ultimate sacrifice to die for
someone. Then it hit me. If I would die for my children then I could
put my pride aside for my children. I
could put my pride aside and love, forgive, and accept their new Step Mom. I knew this would be what was best for them,
I knew this would benefit them in so many ways.
The Mother’s love I felt for each of my children grew that night as I
made the resolve to love not just my children but, to love their new step mom
too.
Now, I am
happily re-married with 2 more children.
Life is good and I could not imagine raising my children without another
Mother by my side. Yep another mother by
my side. This choice hasn’t always been easy but, We attend soccer games, school events,
singing performances, everything together.
We share a google calendar, call one another to express our frustrations
and successes in our day. We share
pictures and discuss our hopes and dreams for each of our children. When at an
event our kids will never have to decide which parent they have to sit with or
who are they going to let down. They
know we are together. My children also
know if they do something they aren’t supposed to, not only do they have to
answer to one Mom but, they have to answer to two. We communicate and express
our feelings to one another. And no one
is a step mom. We have done something that is not commonly accepted. I am often asked about the kids “wicked step
Mom” and more often than not get a weird reaction when they find out we are
friends. When asked why we get along so
well the answer is simple. A Mother’s
love, and yes I believe with all of my heart that it isn’t just my Mother’s
Love but, also the Mothers love that my kids other Mom has as well. She might not have given birth to my 3 oldest
children but, she is a Mother to them in my eyes and in the eyes of my
children.
One day
while attending the first Soccer Practice of the season for my daughter. Another Mother from team came up to find out
who we were. We introduced ourselves as
“Kiki’s Mom’s” making no differentiation between the two of us. The woman looked at us blankly and walked
away. The next practice I attended I had
another Mom come up excitedly and say to me “We are so excited to have an
“Alternative Couple” on our team” I gave a puzzled look,. She said “You and your partner, we are so
excited to have you both on our team” I
couldn’t help myself and I burst into laughter.
I explained though I would happily Marry my kids other Mom she is
married to my ex-husband and I’m happily married as well. This woman then a little embarrassed admitted
she never would have guessed we were Mom and Step Mom. She replied “you just looked so happy
together”
We share a
love that is so powerful for our children.
I know she is a true Mother and I respect her as such. My life has been greatly blessed because of
the love I have for her. This road was a
road that was chosen and it is one that is not well traveled. We may hit some bumps but, I know my kids
will make it through because they have 2 Mothers who love them, 2 Mothers who
would put their needs before their own, 2 Mothers who would die for them, and 2
Mothers who are willing to put their pride aside and love.
My Mother
taught me the power of love. Love heals
wounds, mends hearts, comforts and brings peace. But, a Mother’s Love can change the
world. The lives of my 3 oldest children
have truly been changed forever by not only the love of one mother, but 2.
